Standing Up... Finally.

     I have never felt like I hold any power. That I have this forcefield around me that lets me go through  life alone. Even though I have people in my corner, now, it still feels like I'm destined to work through my problems alone. It's not easy; but I have learned that I am not alone...

        When I was a younger girl, I got to experience relationships for what they were as a teenager. Lust hungry boys and what they assumed some relationships were supposed to be like. Never once did I feel that the way I'd be told how they felt was actually true. Too many reasons made me realize it wasn't. But the one thing I never did was let someone see how much it bothered me. That deep down it would bother me and make me feel small. Almost like I was on a glass chess board. That the wrong move and I would be captured as a pawn. That going through something I thought to be imaginable and could never happen, would be something that being alone would show me how strong one day I'd have to be. 

    I never really wanted that day to repeat itself. I knew I was stronger than I was that day when I was just a teenager in her first relationship. Yet as an adult who knew it would show up in a different circumstance entirely. That the mask I wore around others would now show that small girl who felt alone that unfaithful day. Who now felt like she was alone in a room full of coworkers. 

    But what happened this time was something I couldn't do the last. Was something that back then I could've done but felt too powerless to. This time I stood up. I put myself first and made sure that I was heard and my feelings were understood. Because this time I wasn't a scared teenager, but I was a young woman who now knew what she deserved. That was someone who understood her boundaries and understood the word "no". 

    Yes, I still feel that powerless alone feeling. Even though I held all the cards this time. That one wrong step would be his downfall. Because I held that moment. I had the upper hand despite feeling like I didn't. Despite feeling like I was stuck in that moment as a teenager again being told "it's okay" and "you liked it." I had the control. I controlled the outcome of what I felt and how I was going to be treated. And that was more than teenage me could understand. That was more than I could have ever hoped for me. I have people in my corner this time, who were watching out for me. Protecting me. And this time I wouldn't be known for hiding and being alone. But for standing up and becoming the hero I deserved.