Just A Dream

I title this post this way as I found it funny. That even the dreams we have as children can still be what we hope to achieve one day. Except they can change as we grow up and grow older. 

My dream has always stayed the same. That I wanted to become a writer. No matter how young I was, or the struggles I faced, writing was a passion that I enjoyed no matter what it was for. Whether I was writing an essay for school, a free write assignment in English class, or a poem or song just for fun. And when I was twelve, that writing dream was to become a journalist and attended the New York University journalism program. 

Of course, I am no longer twelve, but that little girls dream did stay inside my mind for a while. And now that I am twenty-five, and was looking into my masters, my twelve year old self decided to try for that dream. 

The application was submitting the writing pieces I was most proud of, and an admissions essay. Even after having friends read and give notes on my essay, I felt that I was confident in how it was and just hit the submit button. Finding out I got an interview was the shock of a lifetime. 

After the interview, stress and my nervous became a constant everyday. Leading up to that letter that hit my inbox. The letter that told me my twelve year old self’s dream had become a reality. 

As the “accept” button blinked at me, I hesitated. And my twenty five year old mind began to force me to check my current reality. Not just the dream of once wanting to be a journalist in that program, but the financial cost of how much it would burden me in the long run. And that I truly no longer wanted to be a journalist. But a publisher. 

So as I hit the “decline” button on my decision, and officially closed my twelve year old self’s dream, I hold on to my current one. That I will find a masters program that suits my current dream; to become an editor and published author. 

Dreams are always going to change in our lives. And reshape to fit our lives as they are. Effortlessly always changing. 

M E M O R I E S (4)

 M E M O R I E S

A different type of beauty in this world. These are hidden behind your eyes, and will come back in the form of snapshots. Coating one specific moment at a time. Sometimes a moment of happiness. Maybe a moment of pleasure or positivity. Other times it could be a moment of hurt. Or, maybe a moment that you wish you didn’t have to relive at all. 

Funny thing about memories though. You can’t get rid of them. They come back at times just to tell you they are still there. Often the saddest of our memories will return when we need to be reminded about how strong we all are. The happiest of memories return to tell you that you can be this happy again, or maybe when sadness is threatening to come back. 

As much as sometimes you don’t want to be reminded of those memories that hurt so much. Your brain doesn’t have some form of a delete button that can just get rid of the scary and sad memories. Those are still a part of who you are as a person. That sadness made you into the strong person you are now. 

Though memories come and go as they please. They are always there. Waiting for the moment they are called on again.

-JS

D I F F E R E N T (3)

 D I F F E R E N T

What do you understand as being different? Is it a look, or some type of clothing? Maybe it is how someone laughs or talks. What makes someone different from someone else? Our biological makeup is clearly different from us. The only exceptions of course would be identical twins who share the same biological makeup as each other. 

But they are twins. Everything about someone is different from someone else. So why is being different looked upon as a bad thing? In the eyes of a child, being different could mean having blue eyes rather than brown. However it changes to being different means having more material possessions than someone else. 

Things that make you different aren’t all that they are cracked up to be though. Being different is one of the best things about being human. Some differences might be like having a birthmark that covers the left side of someone's cheek, or maybe one that is having one piece of hair be the striking color of white to an all brunette head.

Differences make us who we are. None of those differences are reason to think of yourself as any different from someone else. Personality, genetic, and personal differences all make us human. 

What makes you different makes you perfect in every single way. Never let those differences people point out tell you any less than how perfect you are.

-JS  

I. T. P. & Me

 I. T. P.

    Instead of one word, this post is really about three letters. Three letters and the hold they’ve had on my life. Idiopathic Thrombocytopenia; two extremely long words with the scientific meaning of “I don’t know”. To be told at sixteen, “I don’t know” why this disease came into my life. Just like I don’t know who I would be exactly without it. 

    Yet I.T.P did try to take control of my life but it was control that I didn’t wish to give up. It was control that I had to make decisions as a young growing women. The Do’s and Don’ts of living with not only a rare illness but one where rules weren’t easy to make for it. I could avoid rollercoasters and contact sports in school growing up easily. However, I could never avoid the stares or comments that others would make towards me when they saw a semi-healthy looking girl use a handicap parking space. They couldn’t see that her legs hurt while walking twenty feet, or the blue almost black bruises that covered my body under my clothes. They did not care. 

    All this control I had turned into giving up what I wanted or was doing. In school, that was marching band and the fencing team. As an adult, it was tattoos and sick days. Hospitals and specialist visits became rituals done from weekly to monthly at a time. Multiple blood tests every month made me get over my fear of needles pretty quickly. But everything came with the same result. My platelets were low and no one could tell me why.

    Over the past 8 almost 9 years, life continued despite my condition at times worsening. I did things that I was told I would never do like graduate college. Living with an incurable disease might hinder some but it’s those who push past it all that see life can still be beautiful. That this is who I am.

I am bruises.

I am petechia. 

I am strong.

I am a warrior. 

    I.T.P is only a small fraction of the women I am today. Each day I wake up, take my medication, go to work, and the cycle repeats. I still write, go for walks, and I still live. I live each day so they aren’t wasted by not living. So that my life can be full and have purpose. Maybe one day there will be a cure for low platelets and maybe I’ll see remission. But for now, I live as one of rare individuals to have this condition. And that’s me. 

U N D E R S T A N D (2)

 U N D E R S T A N D

Time can stand still. Twist, turn, or break sometimes in two. Doesn’t really matter how it goes really. What takes a person the longest to understand is that things in life happen because that is how they should sometimes. Though you might wish that you could go back and change things. Understanding why things occur is just another part of life. 

Wishing some things could go back or be undone from what they turn into is something that people wish for more than they think. It isn’t because they want to go back and change what happened. Everyone feels that way about one moment in their life. It might be small, or it could be huge and change other lives as you know them. Though that ability can not happen in the real world, understanding why things occur how they do can. 

After going through something traumatic, or something occurs that clearly puts you on a different life path, it is best to understand why. Though that can be harder to do at first, it is still a part of life as a whole. Learning and understanding why things occur can push you to understanding your own life as well. 

Being able to understand life is one of life’s greatest mysteries to this day. It is what you do with that understanding that shapes your life to be yours and yours alone.

-JS

T R U T H (1)

 T R U T H

Life can be a bitch sometimes. People can leave, or stay. Things can happen that make life seem like it might have its ending right around the corner. At the end of the day, there is a certain truth explained. Though it can be hard to accept, part of you will always know you have to. 

It doesn’t matter who you compare yourself to. It doesn’t matter what color your hair is or what size the clothes you wear are. The only things that do matter is how you feel about yourself. The hardest truth in life is accepting that image in the mirror as what it is. Truth in all the beauty that you are. No matter what comes of it. 

Freak show. Ugly. Shy. Weird. Annoying. Those words might sound hurtful to the common ear. Though that isn’t always the case. People only say these words if they feel jealous or like they should compare themselves to the others around them. The truth behind this, is just that actually. None of these words mean anything unless you give them something to mean. 

The truth might be something that causes pain or heartache. It could also be something that brings people together in some way. No amount of the truth is too bad to keep inside oneself. Even though at times, you might want to do just that. Here is the harsh version..

The truth always has a way of coming out. It makes life what it is. Don’t be afraid of it. 

-JS

To Begin With…

 I’ve never had a blog. So bear with me as I figure this out. 

To begin with this is post is going to be different from some of the others. However, I figured this would be easiest before diving in. Words control so much of our lives. All holding different meanings besides their definitions in the dictionary. Yet some people get annoyed when that definition is different from what they know the word as. 

So, in early 2020 during a world wide pandemic along with nothing better to do then walks and online college classes, I set out to writing about those words that are common but hold different meanings for others. Therefore, Life Explained was born. 

Of course, life has other issues and little by little this blog will show you, the readers, about that life I keep hidden. So allow me to begin with the first word on our list… Truth.